Wednesday, June 3, 2015

My State of Being

Today's confession is going to be slightly different than usual. If you've been around these parts lately, you've probably noticed I've been m.i.a. fairly often. So today I confess that I've been having a really rough go of it lately.

A skill I've honed over the better part of a decade is pretending everything is fine. I should pursue acting, since that's what I spend the majority of my life doing. I've gotten really good at hiding. I hide my feelings, I hide my mood, I hide inside myself.

Lately, I haven't wanted to leave my apartment. I can't get off the couch, I barely eat, I can hardly force myself out of bed in the morning to go to work. If I didn't have to pay rent, I'd probably have already quit just so I can spend my days in bed sleeping, commiserating and hurting.

What hurts me so, you may ask? That's the shitty thing. Nothing. Looking at my life you'd think "What does she have to complain about?" It's true; by all accounts I'm lucky. Everything seems stable and I'm surrounded by love. But that's not how depression works. ("That's not how this works! That's not how any of this works!" points if you know this meme.)

It hits you like a cement truck and doesn't care that your life, from the outside, looks pretty damn great. So lately I've been drowning. I have had no desire to do anything, including shower frequently and eat (which are two of the hardest things I have to force myself to do), least of all pour my heart out into this damn blog. But I want to change that. Because over the past two years, this blog is one of the outlets that helped the most. It's hard to give myself a good hard shake; I need to be shaken to the core. I want so hard to help myself be better. That's something I've struggled with throughout my entire battle; knowing that I can't just make myself better.

So I'm going to try really hard to come back to this space. To be honest and write exactly what is going on. I'm sick of feeling weak. I'm sick of playing the victim. I'm sick of being indifferent about my life. I want to be strong. I have a great life and I want to enjoy it.

So today I confess that I've let my disease define who I am. Something I swore I would never do. And I'm here to confess that I want to fight. 

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13 comments

  1. First of all, applauding you for being so real and brave in posting this, because there are so many misconceptions about depression out there that these first-person accounts are so important to helping people understand what it's like. Second of all, I know no amount of virtual hugs and back pats can cure depression, but I'm sending you all mine anyway just because I want to. Third, you're not playing the victim. This is a real thing, and it is really, really hard. And it doesn't give a damn who you are or what you have or what your life looks like and it doesn't care if you want it or not. Do you read any Kurt Vonnegut? In "Breakfast of Champions" he refers to this man's mental illness as "his bad chemicals," and it's really in-tune with what goes on. It's not about your haves and have-nots, it's not about your positive outlook. It's not something that's up to you, and that's such an unfair thing about life. I'm writing all this to say I understand, and I commiserate, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. But I'm proud of you, and I know you can win this fight. <3

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  2. You are very brave for sharing something so personal. I applaud you for that. Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. Many just are not as brave or strong as you are to speak about it. One my friend's suffers from depression and I have just what the daily struggle is for her. One of her therapist is always saying write, write, write as it is so helpful. Please keep writing and know that you are not alone. Sending you big hugs.

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  3. So sorry to hear that you are struggling! I've never personally dealt with chronic depression but my husband has, and he's told me what it's like. You are so brave to keep fighting, praying for you!

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  4. GOOD FOR YOU! SUCH A BRAVE MOVE! MOVE FORWARD - FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WILL GET THIS.

    Yes, capslock was completely necessary

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  5. I'm sorry your going through such a tough time; I've been there, its really no fun and its hard trying to explain how you really feel. Keep moving forward though, you will win! #keepfighting

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  6. Depression is a fickle bitch, isn't she? I can only assume it is a she based on her moodiness and ability to take over someone's life. Kudos to you for sharing something so personal and real. We are all here for you....for virtual hugs, a few laughs and a place to vent it out! I know you have it in you to fight this. You can do it friend!!!

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  7. HUGS! LOVE! THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS to you, sweet lady!!!!!!! <3

    ps.com I LOVE THAT MEME!

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  8. I totally get how you are feeling because I too am a suffer of depression. I am glad you are choosing to fight and thank you for speaking out about depression because it has helped me to feel that I am not alone in feeling the way I do. Hugs to you <3

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  9. as someone who has been diagnosed with clinical depression and kicked the shit out of it, admitting this is step 1. wanting to kick its butt is step 2 so you are going in the right direction.

    have you thought about getting help from a psychiatrist? mine literally saved my life and i wouldn't be where i am today if it weren't for him.

    we're all here for you; you can fight this - you just need to put one foot in front of the other and get the help you need and deserve.

    xoxoxox

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  10. You are my hero, miss Melissa. <3 Can't wait for the next time I get to wrap my arms around you and hug the sh*t out of you! I'm here for everything you need.

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  11. I love you, lady. You are very brave and I'm so glad that you're writing it out. If you ever need to get away to a sunny somewhere for some bloggy friend and puppy snugs, you know where to find me.

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  12. Thank you for having the courage to share this. In college, I lived with a roommate who had several loved ones fighting this same fight and she explained it this way, "Telling someone who's suffering from depression to feel better and think positive is as helpful as telling someone with only one leg to stand up and walk. It physically can't happen for them, not without the right tools." This is really tough stuff, and I'm so glad you're brave enough to talk about this elephant in a lot of peoples' rooms. As you can see, the blog-o-sphere is here for you!

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