Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Tinder Confessions

 I've long since given up on Tinder as a legitimate dating app. Come on guys, we all know why people still use it. Which is why I have zero problem letting my friends take over my Tinder for a night. Or why I log in simply to swipe and screenshot. Because yes, if I come across you and I know you, you bet your ass I've taken a screenshot and sent it to everyone we know. 
Since I have no intention of using the app to find a boyfriend or a hookup, I'm picky as all hell. Left swipes are about 95% more likely than right swipes. Want to know how I decide which way to swipe? Well you're in luck because I have a list. Here goes:
  1.  If you're holding a fish, I swipe left. 
  2.  If you're in a group picture, I swipe left. Sorry, but chances are you're the ugly one. 
  3.  If you're holding a child, I swipe left. How do I know if it's yours? I don't. Bye.
  4.  If your picture was taken in a mirror, you guessed it, I swipe left. 
  5. If you're not wearing a shirt and you don't have the body of Thor, I swipe left. 
  6.  If you have an eyebrow piercing, I swipe left. 
  7. If you're in a picture with a girl, I swipe left.
  8. If you're playing an acoustic guitar, I swipe left. 
  9. If you're skateboarding, I swipe left. 
  10. If I know you, and we're actually friends, I swipe left. 
  11. On the contrary, if I know you and we've dated or we're not that close, I swipe right solely to see if you've swiped right on me. 
  12. If you're in the club, I swipe left. 
  13. If your profile contains the term "Tinderella", I swipe left. 
  14. If you have a sexy man bun and beard, AUTO SWIPE RIGHT. 
  15. If I think you have a stupid name, I swipe left.
  16. If you're posing with a tiger, I swipe left.
  17. If you have bad teeth, I swipe left. 
  18. If you're a hipster, I swipe left. 
  19. If you have a witty tagline, I'll swipe right, but only if it makes me chuckle. 
  20. If you're holding a cat, BYE. I hate cats. 
Notable mentions: I will unmatch you faster than a girl untagging unflattering Facebook pictures the morning after a drunken night if you think this will work. 


Side note: One of my favorite things is guys who just don't stop trying. Exhibits A, B, & C below. 


No one smiles that much...

Tinder is ridiculous. I don't think there's any other way to put it. But hey, at least it's fun...

Now time to link up your confessions!

 Making Melissa 

<a href=""
target="_self"><img src="" alt="Making Melissa" width="125" height="125" /></a>


  1. I need eye bleach. And mind bleach. People are unsettling sometimes.

  2. I need to get back on Tinder just for the entertainment value. POF is far less amusing these days! Love the persistent ones, just keep trying guys!!

  3. Tinder seems highly amusing! Some of your swipe left reasons are amazing -- bet even better are the two swipe right reasons ;) Happy Wednesday!

  4. Tinder...sounds horrible. But maybe worth it for a funny blog post :)

  5. I haven't tired Tinder but I just got off of Ok Cupid, which was horrible. Most of the messages I got were just like the ones you got above. Online dating is just horrible.

  6. Hahaha this list is awesome! Posing with a tiger! This happens often?

  7. sweet baby jesus Tinder scares me.

  8. Come to Portland, we have beards and man buns here! Oh, and me too!

  9. Tinder sounds like it's an amusing place.

    And posing with a tiger? What now?

  10. So I've never used Tinder- is it bad now?! What's a Tinderella? And do you really see that many men with tigers?! Because I think that might be an auto-swipe right for me- can handle wild animals. What's not to like?! I can't handle how horrible those spellings are-- for real, BYE.

  11. BAHAHAHAH! One of my girlfriends has a tinder and we totally take over her account whenever we see her. I've always wondered about the group photos/pics with a girl, too! WTF?!

  12. I cannot stop laughing. Tinderella - what the hell is that even?! Lol.