Monday, March 23, 2015

The End or The Beginning?

I have sat here writing and erasing for the past 30 minutes. What do you do when words fail you? Why can't I write what I need to say? And then I realized that the words aren't the problem. The problem is my need to be cryptic. The need to make everyhting sound more eloquent than it is. So screw it. 

I was very unhappy. I was in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling and didn't make me feel good about myself. There was no emotional support and no understanding. I wasn't getting what I needed. In turn, it caused me to not give anything back. I turned in on myself and became angry and bitter and miserable.

I didn't want another failed relationship. And I certainly didn't want to hurt anybody. But the longer I tried not to hurt someone else, the more I hurt. Adding another name to a list of ex-boyfriends didn't seem to matter as much as feeling better. So I made the decision that it needed to end. And that's what happened. 
 
 
So now I'm trying to remember what it's like to be me. I want to reconnect with myself, the way I was before I got into this relationship, and remember what it means to be happy with myself. I was very happy with who I was before, and now I'm left picking up the pieces of who I am bit by bit and piecing them back together. 
 
Going forward, I want to follow my own advice - advice I've given out countless times to other friends. I deserve someone who loves me as I am, not what they think I could be. I shouldn't have to change anything about myself to make someone else happy - especially physically. If you can't handle me at the worst, you don't deserve me at the best. 

I put a lot on hold for a very long time. I'm reorganizing my priorities and going to be restarting. I'm restarting a bunch of projects that I love and this blog is definitely one of them. It's hard to blog when you're trying to hide. It was really hard to think of coming here and writing about my life and how I felt when my life was a mess and I felt like garbage.

This is going to be a big transitory stage in my life. New roommate, new freedom, new perspective. I have no idea what the next few months hold but I find that for the first time in a long time I'm looking forward to the future.

18 comments

  1. I am so happy and excited for you. <3

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  2. No relationships are failed ones. We all learn something from every single one of them and I'm really proud of you for making yourself a priority again. And when you feel like you're in the shadows know that I'm an email, text, phone call, skype call, etc etc etc away. <3

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  3. I'm so happy for you and this restart. I really like YOU, so keep being Melissa and know that it's enough. Also, excited to have you back.

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  4. "What's comin' will come and we'll meet it when it does." - Hagrid.

    Keep your head up pretty girl. The best is yet to come.

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  5. There is nothing worse than being in a toxic relationship. They are hard to come out of, but you are always better off. Take some of your own awesome advice girl! You get a fresh start :) Hugs!!!!

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  6. Yay for fresh starts and learning to enjoy yourself again! I can't wait to hear more about the adventures that life will bring you now!

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  7. So proud of you for knowing what was hurting you & deciding it wasn't okay. You're going to have some amazing new adventures, love! Can't wait to hear all about them!

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  8. HELL YES for doing what's right FOR YOU and a fresh start. although it's tough right now, know that down the road, you'll look back at this experience as a stronger woman and you'll go into your next relationship knowing exactly what you want. ain't nobody got time for bullshit!

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  9. Good for you for doing what makes you happy... it's so hard to take our own advice sometimes, right? And you have a whole group of virtual cheerleaders here to support and love you!

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  10. Good for you and you fresh start!!! Sometimes it makes a world of difference!!! Looking forward to following your "new" journey!

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  11. Good for you Girl! We missed you !

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  12. I'm so happy for you, friend. You are strong and wonderful. I look forward to hearing from you more often. And I definitely look forward to you coming to visit meeee (and vice versa? yea? YEA!) :) Keep being awesome!

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  13. Being "true to yourself" and finding your forever happily ever after, whether it be with yourself or with another, it's yours to have. Take time to love yourself in the way you need to be loved. We are never alone if we can always count on ourselves for what we need ...

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  14. Leaving a relationship is so hard, but someone isn't making you better- and worse, if they are making you feel bad- it was probably the best decision. I'm glad you had the courage to leave even though it does mean restarting. Good luck figuring out the next steps- can't wait to see where this new journey leads you!

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  15. Relationships ending is never easy but sometimes its the best thing. Im sending positive vibes your way girlie! :D

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  16. End my last relationship, which I realized I was unhappy in, was the absolutely best thing for me. I was infinitely happier not dealing with all my negative feelings and toleration of that person. Not that he was a bad person, just that he wasn't MY person and when I'm done, I'm done. You go girl! You do you!

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  17. Ending a relationship is never easy, but I am happy that you are doing it for you ♥

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  18. Good for you! That is amazing that you recognized what needed to change and took the brave steps to make it happen

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