Friday, March 6, 2015

Is It Over?

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I can't pinpoint exactly when it changed; all I know is that it did. One day, things were different. You could sense it in the air; it was almost palpable. This shift, this strange feeling, it was almost imperceptible but it was there. It grew a little each day. Every conversation became just a little bit emptier. Every moment a little less meaningful. Now we're here and I don't even know where here is.

I can go days, even weeks, pretending like nothing is wrong. I've gotten really good at hiding; my mask is impenetrable. It's easier when there's two people pretending, because I'm not the only one. It's a dance. Always flitting on the edge of the truth and jumping back at the last second. Desperately grasping to something completely futile. Irrevocable damage has been done, so why is it so hard to admit defeat?

Is it a quarter life crisis? Keep pushing forward. Will the moment pass? Keep pretending it will. Will this hurt stop? Keep believing it hurts less than being alone.

7 comments

  1. <3 never alone. write to me. I'm right here.

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  2. Oh, life. An instruction manual would be nice. It's just so tough because we change over time, which is exactly what you want for yourself and for others, but how that works out..... well, I don't know.

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  3. Having lived for over a year in denial and putting on the mask, I was infinitely happier and free-er once I finally let myself off the hook for being the "bad guy" and ending the situation. It wasn't easy to swallow the pill when I made the decision or to look at someone and say, it's totally you and not me, sorry not sorry.

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  4. How beautifully written. I can definitely relate to this sometimes.

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  5. So beautiful! Change is tough but sometimes maybe change is needed. If you ever need to chat, I have an ear or two :)

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  6. I'm new to your blog but trust that you are not alone. Life will give you ups and downs as you know and you will be stronger. You've got this girl!

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  7. You are never alone love, you have all of us! I always found it strange that putting on a mask could be so easy to slip on at times and how comfortable you get with wearing that mask. I have had many instances where I did the same, but being able to take off that mask was intensely freeing. ♥

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