Thursday, May 8, 2014

A Few Words on My Current State of Being

While I know that my anxiety is not an excuse for anything, it definitely resulted in me forgoing a lot of my daily routine in the past few weeks. A big part of that being this blog. I just couldn't bring myself to write anything, or anything worth reading anyway. The anxiety kicked into high gear a few weeks ago, but it subsided to an extreme numbness. I was emotionless; I had no empathy, no drive, no motivation, no care in the world for anything. I've been here before, and this time I knew how to better deal with it. I reminded myself every day that this wasn't my forever. That I would snap out of it and to be strong.

But days began to flow into one another and I felt like a zombie. Clocking in and clocking out, not putting any effort forth into relationships, jobs, myself. I cared very little about this blog for these last few weeks. I cared very little for your blogs, for my personal growth in my career and for my friends. It's the worst part about my mental state. When I hit that wall of depression, it encircles me and stays up for however long it chooses. I can't control it sometimes, and for a control freak like me, it's the worst part of it all. I hate feeling helpless. 

I had to push myself to keep going, to put myself out there and to try and at least stay a little bit focused in day to day life, because one day, something would change and I would begin to feel again. The passion for my career would come back, my desire to surround myself with hope and love, and my willingness to write. 

I know it had a lot to do with the stress of the move triggering my anxiety. Big life changes will always have that effect on me; my therapist warned me a long time ago. So while I was projecting a happy image, one of excitement over my new place, I was internalizing the crippling fear that had taken hold of me. Was I making the right choice? Can I handle being on my own? Am I spending too much? Will I be broke? This doesn't feel like my home. I want to go home. 

It was horrible. But over the course of the last few days, I've settled into my new life and while I still need time to accept the changes, ultimately I'm coming around to this new adventure. I'm lucky to have Anna on the journey with me.  It's not completely decorated, we haven't unpacked everything and it definitely still needs a good cleaning, but it's ours. It's mine. It's hers. It's home.

Here I am. I'm almost back to normal. Normal being relative, so almost back to my normal. I don't expect life to be easy, but I certainly never imagined mine would be this hard. However, I'm not sorry that I have to go through these things. I've become a stronger person because of it. I'm now someone who can appreciate little things more than I ever thought possible, mostly because I never know when I'm going to hit that wall again and shut off. 

10 comments

  1. Hey Melissa! I am sorry you feel like this. I have moved countless times, even more than I like to admit and it is an extremely daunting process each and every time. I am happy things are getting better little by little. Hang in there girl! And decorating helps tremendously! You can always reach out if you ever need to talk to someone! Talk soon Melissa and have a great day! XOXO

    Lisa,xo
    http://chiclittlethrills.blogspot.com/

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  2. Thanks for being so candid with us. I've never had to deal with anxiety until recently. I honestly never knew what it was like. My grandfather past away in October and shortly after my mom was diagnosed with cancer (something nearly nobody knows in my "real life"), plus the wedding planning on top of that. I started to feel anxious all the time and super sad. I totally understand what you mean. You lose all drive, all care for anything. I could have cared less if the world ended tomorrow. I've gotten it under control now and am started to feel back to myself. I have a new respect for people that struggle with anxiety. You are a brave and strong soul Melissa.

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  3. If you ever need to vent it out I am here to listen : ) or to do the opposite and talk about anything but what is making you anxious. i am good at that too

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  4. <3 <3 It's never easy making life changes and even though I'm far away - I'm still there by your side. I'm proud of you for finding 'your' normal again and understanding the process that you're going through.

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  5. hugs friend!
    in all seriousness i understand this more than most.
    anxiety is crippling. i've gone to many counseling sessions and even have a bottle of "i never want to use this but if i absolutely must" moments when my anxiety is overwhelming.
    you can do it, you can keep going. <3 so proud of you for writing about it!

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  6. I deal with anxiety too, you're not alone!

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  7. proud of u for taking time to try to work through it. it sucks. i suffer from it too. i manage it but it doesnt mean it doesnt completely SUCK during it!

    Thinking of u!

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  8. I'm sorry that you had to go through a rough period. Glad it's on its way out. I'm here for you, girl!

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  9. Melissa ... You sound like an amazing young woman. I'm a great listener if you ever need one. :)

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  10. I can really relate to this post - I'm preparing to move in a few weeks and my anxiety about it is taking over my life! (Note how many times I've blogged recently). But, sometimes it's necessary to take a step back from your blog, friends, etc. to reorganize and regroup. Nothing to feel sorry about! It's so very exciting to have a new home. Enjoy it!

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