Wednesday, March 5, 2014

We Either Make Ourselves Miserable Or Strong. The Amount Of Work Is The Same.

I only have one really big confession to make today. I hate how I look. 

There I said it. I spit out phrases like "everyone is beautiful", "be the best you", "be gentle with yourself", "be positive", yada yada yada. I pin these quotes, I write them, I encourage others with them, but the truth of the matter is I do it to remind myself that I'm enough as I am. Because every day is hard for me. Every single day I look in the mirror and hate what I see. 

I vlogged a little bit about my fears on LungLeavin' Day. I said I'm not compassionate with myself and my therapist is trying to get me to work on that. But it's fucking hard. 

It really sucks to think you're a great person, love your personality, accept your weaknesses, and then hate everything on the outside. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that. HATE. EVERYTHING. You think I'm confident? Good, I'm a great actress. I fooled you. It takes a lot of work and a lot of compartmentalizing internally but I do it. 

"So why don't you work to make changes?" I do. I try and spend time building myself up every day. Positive affirmations. Reminders that I'm enough as I am. It helps me feel great about my mind, my attitude, my place in life right now. It doesn't help the physicality of it. I hate my body. I hate my hair. I hate my face. I hate it all. My self-esteem is non-existent at this point because I can't stop focusing on that one aspect of myself. "If I was skinnier than I could...I would...I wouldn't..." etc, etc. 

"So why don't you try and change that too?" I try. It doesn't help that the main culprit is the medicine that makes me better. The weight gain is definitely a better option than the crazy and the hurt. But no matter how healthy I eat, how hard I try to be active, taking that pill every day negates almost everything I work towards. So I continue to hate how I look. Which brings me down. Which makes me believe I'm not worth a heck of a lot. Which affects any type of social situation I'm thrust in. Be it for work, like today when I had to do a television interview and saw the footage after and wanted to cry I looked so horrible. Or in dating, when I honestly don't believe I'm good enough for any male who pays attention to me for longer than a minute. Or in friendships, where I feel like the M.U.F.F. 

I'm still trying. Every single day I'm trying to get myself to a place where I can finally love myself. And where I feel I deserve love from others. It's going to be a long journey but I'm in it to win it. 

I'm lucky, though, in the sense that no matter how hard I am on myself, I have best friends who build me up twice as high. Things can get rough and for some reason they're still there to smack some sense into me and make me feel amazing. So I guess I also want to say thanks for that ladies (and a few gents).  And a little bit sorry for being such a Debby Downer today. Whomp Whomp. BYE.


  1. oh Melissa, i want to reach through the screen and give you a great big hug. i hope that therapy can help you see what a beautiful and great person you are. i'm a firm believer that plenty of exercise can help with the blues of any kind; why do you think i workout so hard? i'm prone to depression and with this shit winter, i've been pounding it out in my gym because it's the only way to keep my mood up.

    hugs xoxoxo

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

  2. Oh stahhhp it, you are gorgeous inside and out! It sucks being a woman. Stupid insecurities. Head up dollface!

  3. .... Trying not to cry at work right now, Melissa. I'm so proud of you for facing this head on. And I'm really sorry that I've been so absent lately. I promise to make a better effort at being there for you, regardless of my busy schedule and yours, because that's what friends do. I love everything about you because everything about you...IS YOU. If you're busy wanting to be someone else/look like someone else...who's going to be you?

    I love you much.

  4. oh sweet friend. <3
    our freaken girl minds - they kill us every. single. time.
    i can sit here and write "my gosh, you are beautiful, stunning, classic, gorgeous"...a 1,000 times (and i believe it to be true!) but i know that it won't sink in.
    loving ourselves is hard - especially when we are constantly having crap shoved down our throats with how we "should look, act, behave, think, etc".
    that's why i started the "you are lovely" series on my blog - to remind others that we're not alone in our insecurities and struggles - but we are lovely just the same.
    i am SO PROUD of you for getting this out. <3
    and you are lovely - you are beautiful - you are beyond compare.

  5. LOVE LOVE LOVE you!

    You are so brave, so inspirational, and so beautiful (inside AND out).

  6. sounds like you're doing all the right things my lady friend. keep making small positive changes and the outlook will eventually change to reflect all the good. <3

  7. No reason to be so hard on yourself. We've ALL been there, I promise. It's not you. YOU are beautiful, inside and out. It's our society. It's all the photoshopped images we see and the distorted image of "beauty" that advertisers tell us to be. Girl, you did a television interview today?! That's so awesome!! I bet you looked AMAZING in it and your mind was just playing a stupid trick on you to say otherwise. Don't let that side get to you. Hopefully your therapist can help you through it. Plus, the fact that you have friends there for you is so great! Not only are you beautiful, but you're a lucky girl too!

  8. My girl. Keep doing the good things to make your heart happy and the rest will fall in line. I'm always here for you and I'll send you unflattering photos of myself on snaps to make us all feel a little better. You're beautiful and I have never thought otherwise <3

  9. I know what you mean about the medication... I have one that causes weight gain as well and it sux! :( I struggle with these same issues... I think we all do from time to time. You're not alone in this. :)

  10. such a great and relatable post mama. thank da lawrd for friends. Friends are supposed to be there to help you alwaysssss and if they don't then they suck and aren't you friend and you turn love on ice-cream BYE

  11. I'm not gonna say "you shouldn't feel this way!" because your feelings are your feelings, right?
    And depression is horrible. But you are strong. <3

  12. star strong little lady! you are beautiful! and i'm right there with you, i hate everything on the outside. i'm lazy as fuuuuu and i don't know how to change it. maybe we can motivate each other on the reg.

    p.s. the burrito of sadness image is still cracking me up.

  13. This made me so sad to read this. I have a lot of the same feelings about myself as you. One thing I noticed that no matter "how skinny," or "how good your hair looks" or whatever it is you will always find something to beat yourself up about. We only get one life, so why waste it worrying about things honestly people don't even notice?! For example, I thought my hair was awful and the other day a stranger came up and told me how pretty my hair was! We are so hard on ourselves as women. I honestly think you are beautiful! I hope you can work through this, I know I am working on this for myself! Always here to talk xoxo

  14. Love the title of this post :-)

  15. You're so great! I feel the same... I gave up. I've literally become a burrito of sadness!
    You're lucky to have best friends who are there for you, and all us bloggers too! Stay strong. You're a wonderful person and definitely gorgeous!