Tuesday, March 11, 2014

That Time I Thought I Was Going To Get Murdered

It's time for another edition of Story Time with Melissa. I know you really enjoy hearing about how ridiculous I am. This time, you get to hear about how paranoid I am living alone. I know I only have myself to blame, probably. It's all my crime shows and movies and books that I read. But as a single female alone in a big ol house, I just assume I'm at the mercy of any serial killer ever. Or psycho that exists. Because my brain sucks. 

Anyway, I briefly talked about how I scared myself in the shower about a month ago in my first vlog. Long story short, thought I heard light footsteps, accepted the fact I was probably about to get stabbed à la Psycho, and then realized it was my hair flipping water onto the plastic shower curtain. Smooth move Melissa. 

Last night though, I wasn't hearing things. I wasn't crazy because I wasn't alone when it happened. Yay friends. Stacey is my witness. So, here we go, the story of how I didn't get any sleep last night and why I'm such a cranky bitch this morning. 

Stacey and I were sitting in the foyer putting our boots on, chatting and giggling waiting for Travis (her bf) to pick us up to go to my soccer game. All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. Cool, we think it's Trav, so she throws open the door and.... no one. Hmm.. that's strange maybe he's at the back door. 

I run to the back door and throw it open and... NO ONE. Okay what in the actual eff. So I cautiously (re: stupidly) walk out the door and say "Hello?". Nothing, no answer, no one there. So now I'm a little nervous cause uh hi horror movie. I look around and there's no footprints in the snow at the front or back. I locked that door faster than you can scream BOO. 

I'm now convinced that a) there's a murderous psycho on the loose playing knock knock ginger and when I return home I'm toast, or b) a ghost, naturally. 

Travis shows up, we leave a little shaken, go to soccer and I almost forget all about it. Then it's time to go home and I'm like eff my life here we go, dead. I made Stacey come inside with me while I checked every room, closet, under the bed, behind the door, behind the couch, under the covers, everything. I refused to go into the basement though, which is where I'm pretty sure the best hiding spot is so I know I'm screwed. She leaves, I set the alarm, I call my mom in a panic. 

My mother ain't having none of my shit at 11 pm. 

"Melissa, just lock the doors and set the alarm and you'll be fine."

"MOM, what if I die?"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE. If you're worried, then come home for the night and stop being ridiculous. Go home if you're that scared."

"But I have nothing there to get ready for work in the morning.."

"So pack a bag or stay put, but make up your mind."

"Okay just stay on the phone with me until I get into my bedroom and lock the door."

"Sure. Fine. Hurry up."

I then proceed to grab the biggest knife in the kitchen, turn on all the lights in the house (sorry for the electric bill maybe guys) and lock myself in the bedroom. I then hang up with my mom, place the knife carefully on the bedside table, and turn on Netflix. Twenty minutes pass and I realize I have to pee. Oh god no.

I don't want to go. I don't want to leave the safety of my bed. But I wait as long as possible and curse all that water I drank at soccer and realize I can't hold it all night. So I actually grab the knife, throw open the bedroom door, and FBI my way out of there (aka back against the wall so I can't be surprised). I then proceed to do my business KNIFE IN HAND. Then I realize that I really hope it's not a ghost because what's a knife gonna do to a ghost? Ugh. I'm so thoughtless sometimes...

But I didn't die last night. I was not murdered. So I feel a lot better about everything this morning. But also, I'M SO CRAZY. My mother is convinced it had something to do with the melting snow and water getting into the doorbell ringer. Also, big thank you to everyone on snap chat who put up with/pretended to be worried about me last night. I'm looking at you Brooke & Jessi

I also want to make a quick shout out to Ashley, who upon receiving this Snapchat does not ask if I'm okay, but instead asks "Why is there a quarter?". THANKS GIRL!


  1. bhahahahahahhaah!! this is SO FUNNY.

    and also, why is it that white folks walk outside when there could be a murderer lurking around?? same how when you see a fucking kid in the tv and you go closer to inspect it and say: hmmm...that's strange. BITCH, OF COURSE IT'S STRANGE - THERE'S A GODDAMN KID IN THE FUCKING TELEVISION! GTFO!!!!! you would never catch a chinese or black person doing that shit. we'd be all: nope, not going out there. if you want to see what's out there, you go but you goin' alone. bye!

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

  2. OK THIS, THIS IS WHY I CAN'T WATCH CRIMINAL MINDS WHEN I AM HOME ALONE! Even opening my garage door each morning before I get in my car, I automatically assume someone is going to sneak into my car and kill me in my garage while brad is upstairs dicking around not realizing i am dying !!!!!

  3. GIRL YES!
    i have a roommate in my house - and we've almost been broken into while we were home!
    when she isnt' there and i'm home alone i lock my bedroom door and sleep with the gun next to me!

  4. Aw, I'm sorry. I was totally already asleep when you sent that Snap :( Boo.

    Maybe someone was playing knicky knocky nine doors?

  5. omg no i literally jump at anything at least its funny now!!!!

  6. I just keep thinking about the time we were google hangouting (REMEMBER WHEN YOU LOVED ME AND WE ACTUALLY HAD A FRIENDSHIP?) and I was waiting for someone to appear in that damn mirror.

  7. OMG that will bug me forever now tho bc really WHAT WAS IT!?

  8. HAHAHAHAHAHAH I'm sorry, but I love that knife. You kill me babygirl.

  9. Okay, so because I'm obsessed with Criminal Minds and Deadly Women and random shit like that, yea.. I'd be freaking out too. So I actually understand exactly where you're coming from.

  10. It's official: You have a ghost in your house. So, the only logical way to get over this is to imagine that hottie from Casper spying on you lol

  11. This is the only reason I would never live alone! I am paranoid beyond what is rational and would probably do the same thing. I love your friend's response though!

  12. Sure you dont have some crazy nut kid who's going around ringing door bells and trying to scare you. Although I can believe the ghost deal too. I'm believing the lady and man who use to live here haunt our house. esp when shit go missing and noone in the house has it. then days later it reappears. and how the dog barks towards the back door almost every night like clock work. it's freaky. just be safe girl.

  13. haha this is why I can't live alone! I would do the exact same thing. I was only home alone for a day and I freaked out because there was footprints in the snow leading up to the house but no one knocked or rang the doorbell. *shivers*

  14. Glad to see you made it out alive!

  15. Wait, why was there a quarter?

    AND get a machete already like I have!

  16. bahaha, this is why I have a big dog! and a gun..

  17. Bahahahahahaha... I was wondering what the story behind the knife was!

  18. This is something I would do! When I lived alone I slept with my cell under my pillow in case I had to call 911. I also had various "escape plans" based on if a killer entered from different parts of the apartment. How sad am I?

  19. hahahaha!! This is why I don't watch scary movies! Good thinking on the knife part though!