Thursday, March 27, 2014

On Relationships & The Future

My brain is weird. Sometimes I feel bi-polar because my thoughts and emotions are always flowing from one end of a spectrum to the other. Yesterday, I confessed that I'm not sure I ever want to get married or have babies. Less than a year ago it's all I wanted and I thought I was headed that way. But I'm young and I realize I could change my mind. I'm turning 24 so what the hell do I know right? 

Commitment-phobe over here; always have been. Not just monogamy but anything that involves me making a long term decision. Just ask Andrea, she's seen it all. Why do you think it took me so long to decide what degree I wanted? I was terrified of choosing a career and feeling like that was it for the rest of my life. Moving out was a big one too, which is why I'm pretty pumped the apartments we found are month to month so I don't have to commit to a full year. My therapist? Took me over a year to find one I felt like going back to more than once. I'm maybe the worst decision maker ever. 

The only thing I can say I've 100% committed to ever in my life is playing soccer these past 12 years and this blog. 

One day, I'm feeling the feels and wishing for love and thinking "I could totally do this whole fall in love and get married thing" and the next day I'm all "Oh my god but I want to LIVE my life and pick up and go on a whim and not have to factor in anyone else's feelings". I think it's okay for me to think this selfishly right now because I spent the better part of the last 4 or so years revolving my life around one boyfriend or the other. Changing everything for them, making them my number one priority and forgetting about myself. Who I was, what I was passionate about and living in the moment. I didn't take care of myself or do many of the things that make me who I am and that is bullshit. 

All that being said, I could be singing a different tune if the right person comes along and I know that. Realistically, it will take a lot for me to switch gears and focus right now. It's going to take someone who challenges me pretty hard. For me to consider settling down, I need a partner, someone to walk beside me and support me. Not judge and scold me. I need someone who respects me and my lifestyle and my past and let's me do my thing without insecurity. At this point in my life, I'd rather do what feels good and enjoy my life instead of looking for "the one". I don't want to feel shitty about the decisions I DO make. I'm not ashamed of my actions or behaviors or personality. 

I won't even consider wasting my time on you if you can't accept me as I am and it took me a long time to realize I don't have to change for anyone. Are there things I want to change to better myself as a member of society? Yes of course. But none of those changes will be for someone else. You don't want to date me because I'm too open, vulgar, unladylike? Cool, bro. Don't care. 
This post was going in one direction and then went completely opposite of where I was intending it to go and I'm not even a little bit surprised. My brain jumps around so much even I can't keep my thoughts straight. 

Things to take away from this post:
1) I'm terrified of committing to things
2) I don't know if I ever want to get married
3) I change my mind a lot
4) I won't date you if you're a little bitch
5) I want a partner not a crutch
6) I won't change just to get someone to date me
7) I'm a little bit too inappropriate for the majority of the male population to handle
8) I think I'm a great person


  1. Inappropriate > prude.

    Thank you Adam for the best gif. You're wrong and I hate you.

  2. i still have those very selfish feelings - i think that is why i question whether or not i really want to have kids someday. and on another note. i agree with all of the takeways. especially the one about not dating little bitches. ain't nobody got time for that

  3. I was in the same boat as you a few years ago...even early on in my engagement I would wake up in a cold sweat with my inner commitment-phobe coming out. Truly though, when it is the right person you will get over these issues. In the meantime, be picky.VERY picky. You only deserve the best.

    You should link up to my adventures in dating post today and grab a button for the end of this post :)

  4. the man who you fall in love with will be what you want. i am the most selfish, rude, inappropriate demanding shit but my husband takes the good with the bad. i do what i want and he knows it; then again, so does he so it it goes both ways. a strong relationship is all about accepting and loving the flaws of your partner but also finding the good things. your partner will want to make you change those flaws and be a better person. it will make you want to compromise.

    things change as you get older. i was a huge bitch at 23 (ask my sister) and over time, i've sort of softened up. your tastes change too. this is the age to experience everything there is to experience! it's hard to figure out what you want because there's so much life to experience. so experience it! have fun! date! do what makes you happy and only then can you find what you want and like :)

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

  5. Really, the best part of this is that you think you're a great person. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

  6. "I want a partner, not a crutch", Solid.

  7. I'm glad I am not the only one who feels like their brain is weird. Sometimes I'm like wtf why is my brain thinking that? is that you too?

    well i dont think that way when it comes to relationships. I put my whole heart into everything I do. And I've had more long distance relationships and folks dont know how I do it. It's called trust. And that's all it takes and effort from both people.

  8. First of all, I think you're a great person too! :D I think it's natural to change your mind a lot at this stage in our lives... it's growth, and it's good.

  9. I'm constantly changing my mind and the direction of my life. I think it's what keeps life interesting. As long as there are no regrets along the way, it's a great thing. My life is no where near what I thought it was going to be and yet it's exactly what it should be. I'm glad you're enjoying life!! Keep changing your mind as often as you like (especially if it makes you happy)!!

  10. I really like this post. I feel the same way. I've been concentrating on boyfriends too much for the past four years and now that I'm single, I feel like I can finally be myself; I can do whatever I want on a whim and not have to have my plans approved by someone else and if I change my mind, I won't hurt anyone in the process, right?