Monday, February 10, 2014

Best Friends, Ex-Friends Til The End, Better Off As Lovers



I want to preface this entire week by saying that I in no way consider myself an expert on dating. So if you're coming here looking for some solid advice to live your life from, just don't. I'm on the dating hot mess express. I'm horribly socially awkward and feel like Liz Lemon almost every time I walk away from a date feeling even semi-confident that it went well. 




That being said, this whole week is going to be my (and some special friends of mine) opinions and thoughts on our experiences. So, to kick things off I'm going to discuss a topic that has come up from a lot of my readers: Can you be just friends with an ex?

I'm just going to go ahead and say it: NO. I don't believe you can. I believe you can be friendly and civil but I think it's a bad idea to stay friends. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, and extenuating circumstances that allow this to happen, but generally it's a horrible, no good, bad idea. 

I can understand if you're friends with an ex whom you dated in high school. None of that was ever really real for most of us anyway. But someone you loved, wanted to spend your live with, you lived with? Not healthy. 

Eventually, feelings will come back on either end. or there will be jealousy. At some point, you're probably going to have to choose between your new significant other or your friendship with your ex. I was dating a guy and everything was perfect except for he was "best friends" with his ex. A girl whom he had lived with, loved, been with for 3 years. It made me very uncomfortable at family events where she would show up. I'm sorry, but once you are no longer dating a person, I feel like you shouldn't be coming to parties and holidays. It's just weird. And it makes it really uncomfortable and awkward for the new person to establish relationships with the family. You can probably guess how that relationship ended and as far as I know they're still "best friends" and I'm pretty certain he hasn't had a girlfriend since. 

If you're still wanting to spend copious amounts of time with a person and want to stay close, maybe reevaluate your feelings. Also, if you were the one who was dumped, why would you want to subject yourself to heartbreak over and over? Wouldn't it be a constant reminder of what was and never will be? That reason alone is why I can't fathom staying friends. But that's just what I think.



What do you think? Is it possible to be friends with an ex?


18 comments

  1. I agree. It's just too hard. I have an ex that a lot happened with as a friend on fb and sometimes when he posts about his new family I want to punch him. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  2. unless the guy cheated (or you cheated), i think you can be friends with an ex (with time, of course). i'm still friends with some ex's and it's cool. no unearthed feelings, or feelings of jealousy or whatnot.

    email me your next topic for this week and i will contribute. you needs to give me more time, woman! if shizz doesn't get into my planner, it won't get done.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

    ReplyDelete
  3. I absolutely think you can be friends with an ex - depending on how much time has passed, what your relationship was like and how it ended. I think it's much harder (but not impossible) to be friends with someone you shared a passionate/crazy in love/ he's THE one kind of relationship. I'm good friends with my last ex (and he's friends with my husband now too) because a) he and I dated 13 years ago and b) our relationship though serious, wasn't crazy, it was tame and responsible and seriously lacking passion - which is obvs one of the main reasons we broke up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think it depends on the circumstances. I also have noticed that a lot of my friends that are gay, are usually still friends with their exes. Not sure if it has anything to do with them being gay or not, but I found that interesting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. psssst you're a no-reply blogger so you should maybe change that :)

      I'm sure there are people who are totally okay being friends with their ex! i just have yet to see it end well in my personal life!

      Delete
  5. I agree - don't do it. It impedes your healing process and you can never truly be friends. You can never fully trust them again and you waste more time trying to learn how to just be friends around them. Too complicated - there are millions of people out there, just make new friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. giiiiirl you're a no reply blogger so i couldn't answer you via e-mail! :(

      but yes. yes times 100.

      Delete
  6. yeah can't say i am much more than civil with the ex i used to live with.... but i would say that i do wish him happiness so there's that?

    ReplyDelete
  7. First of all, SOLID FOB lyrics as the post title. Second, I'm definitely nice and somewhat friendly with a few of my exes, but in the beginning it was hard to even do that. The feelings are still lingering and just messy.. Now I'm "friends" with some of them, but it's taken a long time to get here and they're definitely not someone I hang out with or talk to on a regular basis. In my experience, it just doesn't work out.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I agree. I don't think you can be friends with an ex. Which is why I've never dated a friend!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I agree completely with what you said...I think it's nearly impossible to be friends with an ex, UNLESS your relationship with that ex was never serious (i..e. high school, or you never slept together, etc etc).

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's nearly impossible to be friends with an Ex, no matter the amazing chemistry that you once had it always has feelings and things confused. I try to wish them well, call them "dude" and move on.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It can be possible to be friends with an ex...when enough time passes. I could not be friends with my ex when we first broke up...but now, many years later, we are friends. Granted, we don't talk daily but we do communicate through Facebook occasionally. It's civil and friendly.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I couldn't agree more. I honestly do not think it is possible to be friends with an ex. I wish you could, but I just don't think you can!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh GURL! I did a post about this not too long ago. I agree with you... nope!!!! Or at least VERY rarely! There's a difference between being friends and being friendly that I think a lot of people just don't get.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm caught in the middle of this right now :/ I want to say yes, ex's and still be friends but I feel like I'd be lying to myself just to convince myself that I CAN be friends with The Boy right now, you know what I mean? Like the relationship is over but a part of you still wants him in your life. That's what I'm going through right now and trying to figure out if we can both be friends (the boy agreed to being friends too). But honestly, it might even be near impossible to maintain friendship with an ex. My previous exs from high school and early years of university are no longer on my phone or Facebook and never spoken to since. However, if we do happen to have a successful friendship, I'll be sure to blog about it, haha (but first, I guess I gotta let the world know we've been broken up for a few months already).

    ReplyDelete
  15. The only reason I'm not friends with my ex is because of my boyfriend and his wishes. I lived with and loved my ex but things ended horribly. It's been almost 5 years though and I've moved onnnnnn and so has he, so I wouldn't have any issues being his friend. However, my boyfriend wasn't having it and he recently got engaged so to respect our current relationships, we agreed to stop contacting one another. It was honestly an easy decision (and my idea which I'm proud of! haha). He was a friend and sometimes I miss that friendship (because let's face it. exes have seen your absolute fucking worst. if you can still be friends... well. that's really good.), especially since I'd known him since middle school. But it had to go! No hard feelings either way for me. I think it's all circumstantial.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I found this article quite interesting. I have always and still do think exes can be friends. However, that doesn't mean all exes should be friends.

    In your case it sounds like the guy got involved in a new relationship too soon (if he wasn't able to separate from his ex) and it also sounds like his family and their relationship with the ex girlfriend may have been going through changes as well, or the guy wasn't clear to them that his relationship with the ex girlfriend was over to a point where his family should not invite her to family events.

    I have personally never looked at it from the side of a new significant other, and how awkward it would be having a current partner's ex at family gatherings, all the while trying to get to know them as the new girlfriend.

    Great insight!

    ReplyDelete