Saturday, January 11, 2014

I'm Not Naive, I Know Where This Will Lead

I never stopped to consider what it would be like for someone new in my life to read my blog. I'm not talking about all you lovely bloggers out there who stumble upon this corner of the internet. You understand what it means to blog. I mean people I meet IRL who find out about this space of mine and decide to check it out. 

I've never hidden this blog. I've never had a separation from my real life and my online life. I think it would be exhausting to lead a double life. I also think it would be pointless to put myself out there for *only* strangers to see. Shouldn't the people I choose to surround myself with understand what's going on with me? What my thoughts are? How I feel? 

In fact, this blog has made people in my life understand me better. I'm a closed off person by nature. I know it seems like I share a lot here, and to be honest I do, but in person there is a line I draw. A figurative line in the sand. There are things I won't talk about unless I know you really well. It's really hard for me to open up to people. I communicate at a surface level for a long, long time. You don't get the goods until months or even years later. 

When I meet new people, it's hard for me to be myself at first. I'm so guarded and come off as kind of a bitch. I get really nervous that I'm going to bare it all too soon. My body language is stand-offish and I don't even know I'm doing it. Andrea has reminded me on more than one occasion to work on my RBF (resting bitch face). I recently told a friend of mine that I was in this state of agitation and he simply said this to me: "Just be typical Making Melissa; funny and charismatic!" Easier said than done. Making Melissa is the best version of me I can be, because it's the part of me that is written, not spoken or observed. 

Writing has always come easy to me. In high school I discovered it was my favorite and easiest way to express myself. Whether it was e-mails, handwritten notes/letters, poetry, or copying down song lyrics that I felt spoke to me. I've never been very good at letting someone know where my head is at face to face. I'm an enigma to some and a walking contradiction to many. 

This blog is the most open and honest I have been and ever will be. I'm not ashamed of what I write. But I do get self-conscious about it. Lately, I discovered that a lot more people in my world read it than I thought and I instantly shut down. I became a nervous wreck about it. I shouldn't care what people think; I generally don't. But here my soul is open for everyone to see and pick apart. And that's scary. 

One last thing. This blog is also subjective (naturally). You see what I want you to see. The days that there is more to see, are the days I'm feeling confident and okay. The days you see less are the days that my courage to be real has failed me. While I try my hardest to be as honest as possible, realize that not everything you see is everything I am. I make jokes to mask the discomfort, the fear, the weakness. There are things I won't write about. 

8 comments

  1. same here. i recently found out that people i know read my blog and i was totally weirded out; it sort of felt like they found my diary! but i don't make my site private and with the interwebs, someone is BOUND to find out and i'm ok with that but just don't talk to me about it!!

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  2. Love this. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, and I'm so happy to have found you...or stumbled upon you in this crazy blog world. <3

    xo fal | falfindshappiness.blogspot.com

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  3. I've been thinking about writing almost this exact same post. I don't hide my blog either but like you I can be stand-offish and communicate on a surface level. I delve deeper on my blog so it makes me uncomfortable when people IRL ask about one one my "deep" posts. Perhaps we should have a disclaimer for our IRL friends. :)

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  4. You are absolutely wonderful :) every year spent knowing you (my god, what is it now? 15?) is a great year :) And you are a truly gifted writer. I get what you mean about wearing your heart on a virtual sleeve though. There's a lot of unposted posts sitting in my blogland, and it takes a lot of courage to share those thoughts. So keep being brave! It's a scary word, and some moments are easier than others, but it's the truth :)

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  5. Hope you let the making Melissa version of you show in real life more .... It is a good version of you :)

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  6. Probably one of my fave posts I've seen in a while xo and amen

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  7. I've never wondered what it would be like for someone new in my life to read this either. But, the people in my life now know about it. I don't mind. I think what bothers me is when those people tell other people about my blog. It's just... weird. It's so wonderful that you're not ashamed of what you write though!

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  8. That last paragraph really spoke to me. It's so true. I try to include some of the bad as well so as not to seem like I am only blogging about the highlights, but then again, sometimes I like that it's mostly positive over there. Great post!

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