Thursday, December 12, 2013

Static Cling

Let's not even pretend we don't all know how cold Winnipeg gets. Everything you see/hear about how cold Canada is, there's a 95% chance a picture of Winnipeg is attached to it. Make no mistake, I love the snow and don't mind being cold at all (cause I'm pretty sure I'm an anomaly, or I was a polar bear in my past life), but there is one thing I cannot stand about the cold: static.

For the last week, every single time I go to turn on a light in my office, sparks fly. Not the cute Taylor Swift kind of sparks that are at the beginning of a romance worth singing about. I'm talking electric jolts that make me curse out loud and suck my finger because, yeah, it helps. I look ridiculous. I lift my feet up super high to avoid shuffling and somehow I still get a shock.

Not only are there sparks, but now my hair has taken itself to a new level altogether. I used to be able to fix it with a quick rub from a dryer sheet or spray some static-b-gone crap on a comb. I've lived here all my life, I know what I'm up against. But wouldn't you know it, this static electricity has reached a new level in the game.

This obviously leads me to believe that I have developed super powers. I think that's really cool because when I was a child all I wanted to be was a member of the X-Men. Storm was my spirit animal. So now I have the super power of static electricity and I'm going to go nuts testing it. I apologize in advance for everyone that I shuffle towards silently and touch. You're going to get shocked. I'm going to laugh like an 8 year old high on pixie sticks, and I'm going to yell out my superhero name while I shuffle away, stalking my next victim. Oh did I mention that maybe I'm not a superhero but a super-villain? I just think it's cooler.

I'll name myself something wicked like Static Cling. I'll dress all in fleece for maximum super shock power. Actually, let's take that one step further, I'm going to wear an all fleece, footed onesie. I'm so sinister I can't even handle it right now.

Watch out Winnipeg, Static Cling is on the loose. I will light up the room with my electric feel and no man, woman or child is safe from my sparking fingertips. Also, things will become attracted to me and it'll be just as bad ass as using Accio. It'll probably get me a boyfriend (without his will mind you and probably very reluctantly) because he will not be able to resist the cling. I will also have the opportunity to perfect my evil laugh which isn't quite on point yet.

Inevitably, I'll be taken down by Bounce Sheet Brotherhood or something along those lines, but I mean, it will be great while it lasts.

For real though, I'm getting real sick of your shit winter.

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  1. I literally LOLd. I'll mail you some extra strength dry sheets (if they even have them)

    › xo fal •

  2. This post was hilarious! I hear you though. Although I don't like the cold. Like at all. I just throw a shitload of serum in my hair and it manages to hold pretty well.

  3. hahahaha! Can't say I have the same problem, but in Oregon...everything you own is damp from October-July. Take your pick

  4. my car shocked the shit out of me yesterday. she's a bitch like that.

  5. Yet you say you like winter? BARFVOM YEP.

  6. Hahah i laughed so much reading this!! As a fellow winnipeger i feel your pain..these last few weeks of -30+ has been killing me. I pretty much hybernate and bathe in tubs of lotion to keep my skin from not drying up and cracking :(