Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The Moment My Life Changed Forever

"I'm going to start you on anti-depressants."

Perhaps the scariest words I have heard in my life. Why? Because I lived in denial for years. Years. Because I was convinced I wasn't a statistic. Guess what? Mental Health is just as important as Physical Health. Did I care about being a statistic for my iron or B12 deficiencies? Nope. So what was the difference? I didn't want to be labelled. Damaged, crazy, weak. 

The moment I was put on medication wasn't when I knew my life had taken a turn. For that we need to rewind. 

Since High School I knew I was different. Hormones may rage during your teen years but my mood swings were beyond that of a normal PMS-ing 16 year old. Since I was at least 15 I have been plagued by days or weeks where I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't deal with life so I shut down. No sleep, no food, no social interactions and a helluva lot of crying. "I'm fine," I would lie to myself. 

The "I'm fines" would then be followed by intense self-degradation . "You're weak, get up. Look at you, no wonder you're alone. You're a mess. Stop crying you baby. You're being dramatic. Look at how pathetic you are, get up. No one is ever going to love you. You're disgusting."

After these low moments of self-hatred and lethargy, I would swing into the anxiety portion of my life. I was stressed out all the time. I blamed it on exams, University applications, juggling work and school, shitty boyfriends, rude girl friends. I just made excuses instead of accepting the fact that maybe something was seriously wrong. That burning in your chest that you feel when you get stressed or anxious? I felt that on a daily basis. Every second of every day. But I didn't want to do anything about it. 

Fast forward to last February. I was the lowest I've ever been. The point where I actually scared myself. Three weeks of no sleep, crying all day every day, and some seriously dark thoughts. "If I run my car off the road then I can spend a few weeks in the hospital and not deal with my life". I would think that at least 4 times a week. 

This was when I accepted that I needed help. This was the moment that my life would change forever. Knowing you have a problem and accepting it are two very different things. I can remember the exact moment that I let the realization sink in that I needed help. I knew that if I didn't do something about it, I would end up hurting myself. 

So I went to the doctor. I went to a psychologist. I was put on sleeping pills. I was put on medication. And eventually, I landed in the office of the best damn Therapist in the entire world. With the help of my doctor and my therapy sessions, I can gladly say I've made major improvements in the last year and a half. It's scary to think where I could be right now if I hadn't got off my ass and done something. 

So yes, I suffer from Depression and I have Anxiety (they go hand in hand for anyone who doesn't know). My life took a turn. I'm on the road to recovery. I may never overcome it completely. I may need help for the rest of my life. But that's something that only time can tell. 


  1. Just want to say good for you in getting help. I don't suffer from any mental illness but have had some real exposure to it through a relationship. Sadly it ended by we still are in touch all the time. I am her support when things get rough...and I don't mind being that. I am not a fan of medication personally, mostly because never really needed any but do not ever stop unless your doctor says so. That is a real key to managing it, and it will be tempting to stop when you feel so good. Please forgive if it sounds preachy, that is not my intent. All the best!! J :)

  2. Not sure why I am just reading this (reading your popular page) but I lOVE this post. You are so strong. I'm so glad you're in my life. xo

  3. I struggle with anxiety and major depressive disorder. It is really hard and I just got out of a behavioral unit because it got so bad. I love finding bloggers who share that with me. I don't feel so alone.

  4. Hi there! I'm Emily and I just stumbled across your blog!
    Okay, so I like you...like, a lot! Haha. You have so many good things to say! And I love that you blog about mental health. More people need to be aware of it. And I'm so so glad that you got help for your depression. It took me a really long time too. I was told time and time again that I was lazy, weak, and dramatic ("not trying hard enough"...oh yeah, LOVE that one) and I began to believe it about myself...mostly because it was my own family saying it to me! Plus people who were supposed to be my "friends". Medication and therapy is so important and it does NOT mean there's something wrong with your character. So many people think that. My life philosophy is "Depression is a flaw in CHEMISTRY, not in CHARACTER." Thank you so much for sharing your story. Feel free to read mine on my blog as well. I'm still fairly new at blogging, so I have a lot to learn still, haha. But I'd love to get to know you more.